


If I See A Boner, I'm Out

by aaliona



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: I can't even call it one-sided because neither of them are actually interested in each other, It's not really diego/klaus, M/M, characters are around 14-16
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 04:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18422802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aaliona/pseuds/aaliona
Summary: “Oh,” Klaus said, somewhat stunned from his position under Diego. “This is new.”Being under Diego wasn’t the new part. No, being pinned to the ground by any of his siblings wasn’t new. But Klaus wasn’t sure how Diego would react when he realized—“What the hell?”





	If I See A Boner, I'm Out

**Author's Note:**

> I know we all laughed at Diego's line when he tied Klaus up, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about the level of situational understanding that would lead him to just know that's the kind of thing to get his brother going.
> 
> No sex in this, so if you're looking for that, I'm afraid you'll have to look elsewhere. Just a nice old fashion series of awkward scenarios between brothers.

“Oh,” Klaus said, somewhat stunned from his position under Diego. “This is new.”

Being under Diego wasn’t the new part. Klaus never won when they sparred. He never won against Luther or Ben. He’d never used to win against Five, but Five fought dirty. He could occasionally win against Allison, but only if he fought dirty in a way that caught her off guard. He suspected he could take Vanya, but it seemed unfair since she didn’t have any training. Plus, ya know, it would suck if she won.

No, being pinned to the ground by any of his siblings wasn’t new. But Klaus wasn’t sure how Diego would react when he realized—

“What the hell?”

Diego spat as he suddenly scrambled away pelvis first. In his haste, he accidentally brought his forearm down on Klaus’ neck. Klaus made a sound like a squished frog, but he didn’t hate it. The feeling was kind of nice actually. The self-help book he’d slipped from Mom’s chest would say he should unpack that later, but Klaus had no intentions of doing so.

“What is wrong with you?”

Diego’s questions weren’t necessarily out of the ordinary for sparring sessions in their crowd, but something in his voice must have piqued Ben’s interest. He looked over at them for just a second, but it was long enough for Luther to knock him down. Luther turned toward Allison, but she just put her hands up in surrender.

“I heard a rumor you let this bad guy go,” she teased without actually using her gift.

That kind of logic would save no one else because Luther strongly believed in not giving up during training. It had to be as real as possible. Either because it was Allison or because he was interested in Diego’s disgust, he relaxed from his fight stance. Most likely because it was Allison.

The trio glanced over at Klaus curiously, and he realized it had been a while since he looked at Diego. As Klaus turned back to him, the unwavering gaze of horror he received in return had him shrinking in on himself, squeezing his legs together and scrunching up his knees against his chin.

“What’s wrong?” Allison asked, and the tree of them started walking closer.

“Well,” Klaus began at the same time Diego said, “He has a boner.”

It wasn’t a yell, which Klaus could appreciate, but he flinched under the accusation laced in it.

“What, what?” Ben asked. He seemed intrigued, but that level of interest definitely wasn’t matched in the stunned silence from Luther and wrinkled disgust from Allison.

“It isn’t on purpose,” Klaus said. The level of casual nonchalance in his voice was something she relished. Keeping it up under such circumstances was admirable if he did say so himself. “Come on, I’m not the only person here who has ever had one. Diego, I know you keep those magazines under your bed.” Diego turned red. “And Ben, I know you borrow them.” Ben turned red too.

“That is not at all the same,” Diego protested. “No one else here has got one touching someone else.”

Allison made a small noise in the back of her throat, and all eyes went wide as they looked at Luther. Interesting. His face was also red.

Klaus pointed to Luther dramatically. “Not to be rude, but can we focus on that instead?”

That was Allison and Luther, which was a subject no one touched with a ten foot pole. A fight promptly broke out among them, giving him ample time to think about ghosts and his father and a host of disgustingly unsexy things to calm himself down with. 

By the time Klaus stood up, he was completely good to go, and he was able to walk out without anyone bringing it up. He could still feel Diego’s glare as sharp as any of his blades, but Klaus refused to look back.

He didn’t have to wonder about what it meant, why he’d gotten a boner with Diego on top of him. He didn’t have to try and rationalize it or pray the gay away. Klaus was well aware. He’d jerked off at night thinking about men they’d met while social mingling or teenage boys at the line during their press releases hoping for a wink from Allison. No, Klaus had long since decided he liked dudes just fine. The occasional girl even, although that had given him a pause. He had less pause when he couldn’t figure out if someone was male or female because “hot” was enough to qualify.

No, Klaus had happily, though quietly, accepted his place as the family queer.

But he’d never gotten hard thinking about one of his siblings.

He now had to slip into his room and brood. Maybe if Allison stopped being mad at him, she’d let him bum a cigarette from her stash up in the attic. It wasn’t a secret stash by any means. Hell, even Pogo knew it was there, but he’d apparently decided that wasn’t a battle worth waging. Klaus couldn’t just take one, though, because she’d know. Even when Vanya snuck one and coughed so much that she’d gotten sick, Allison had blamed Klaus. No, he couldn’t just still one of her cigs.

He really didn’t want to have this self-debate sober.

So he didn’t. Klaus went out and found a very nice man with some very nice weed who sold it to him for an almost nice price. 

Once he’d realized that his body was into it, Klaus started imagining his siblings. He imagined it was Luther’s super-enhanced hand against his throat instead of his own. He imagined Ben using his tentacles as he slid a toy inside himself. He even imagined once Vanya’s bow string running across his body, although that one was hard to replicate.

He never imagined Diego.

Diego was too dangerous to remember because their training session kept happening. 

Klaus could tussle with—or rather be tussled by—any of his siblings without any issues. Diego was the exception, and it was ridiculous how often it happened. All it took was a firm hand on Klaus’ shoulder or a knife against his throat, and he was gone. Diego always noticed too. And no matter how many times it happened, he never could be cool about it. He always had to say something.

“It’s a fucking knife,” he said once, flipping it back into his pocket. “It’s not sexy.”

Klaus massaged the ear it had almost clipped. “I’m aware. Tell that to my dick.”

Diego had made a face and hurried away. If Mom noticed that his butter knife slipped into his pocket at dinner that night, she didn’t mention it.

No one else ever seemed to have that effect on him. Regardless of what else a training session entailed or how close another person was, only Diego seemed to get his body interested. He’d popped one from Luther once when Luther tugged a little too hard against Klaus’ throat when he had him in a choke hold. But that seemed more like a fluke.

When Klaus really thought about it, he decided it wasn’t about Diego. Well, it wasn’t because of Diego himself. Klaus didn’t want to fuck him or be fucked by him. That just sounded gross and unsexy all the way around. 

It was about the danger. It was the excitement of what could happen in both fun and chaotic ways. The knives did so much for him, and none of his siblings quite pressed their weight against him like Diego did. That must have been the deciding factor for his libido. It was about the danger.

It was about the danger as Klaus started sneaking out of the house and into clubs. It was about the danger when he started trying substances that numbed the ghosts like nothing else. It was about the danger as he started giving in to the hands settling on his hips and ass in dark crowds. His siblings didn’t understand, but they all had their vices in different ways. 

When Ben died, Klaus left. He couldn’t take it anymore. Diego left too, but they didn’t try to stay near each other at all. They ran into each other once while Klaus was stumbling out of a club mid-raid. 

One moment he was meandering out the back door, trying to look like he wasn’t up to anything. The next he was against the wall, a knife at his throat.

His head slammed against the cement, and without meaning to, Klaus fluttered his eyes.

“Jesus,” he heard a familiar voice swear.

“I’ve heard my body is religious, but the correlation isn’t that strong.” He sneered, trying to figure out what Diego was doing there. “Busy night?”

His brother was done up in the getup Klaus had seen him in on TV once. Must be working.

“Here to bust all the petty criminals? Am I one?”

“Dammit, Klaus,” he hissed, still not letting up. “Why are you hanging around drug lords?”

Klaus rolled his eyes, looking up at the sky. “Do you want the real answer?”

Thankfully he was distracted as Diego suddenly realized an old problem had returned. “What the fuck, Klaus?” He jumped away to put as much space as possible between them. “I’m so sick of your damn dick!”

Klaus sniggered. “I don’t hear that very often. Maybe say it again. It needs to hear it.”

Diego threw his hands up. “You know what, Klaus? Get out of here before you get yourself caught. I’m not having this conversation right now.”

“Aw, no handcuffs?” Klaus cooed as his brother walked away. “I do like a good handcuff game.”

Diego flipped him off. That was probably good. Bondage with your brother was probably a bad idea.


End file.
